It goes without saying that I adore my Carpenter. He works hard. He is a good man.  He still gives me butterflies in my stomach that cannot be confused with gas. So, this Christmas, I am thinking only of his needs.

I am asking Santa for a reliable crew to help the Carpenter get a few things finished around the house. To inspire Santa, I’ve written a parody of my favourite flirty Christmas song:

 

Santa baby, slip a plumber under the tree for me,

I’ve been such a patient wife

Santa baby, just toss him down the chimney tonight.

 

Santa sweetie, if I could have an electrician too,

That would do

I’ll wait up for him dear

Santa honey, I’ll show him our fuse panel tonight.

 

Think of all the renovations I’ve missed

Think of the poor Carpenter’s

attempts to resist

Next year it would be oh so good

If the unfinished bathroom was ticked off my list

(please do, please do).

 

Santa honey, I’d like a sauna

that gets really hot

Really that’s not a lot,

I’ve been an angel all year

Santa baby, slide some cedar down my chimney tonight.

 

Santa cutie, there’s one little thing I really do need,

the deed

To an unlimited credit line

Santa sweetie, drop that down the chimney tonight.

 

Santa baby, fill my stocking with hardware gift certificates to outlets

Hardwood flooring would be fine

Santa sweetie, stuff that down the chimney tonight.

 

Come inside and you will see,

The place is like a bomb

went off all around me

I really do believe that you

Would want a finished

bathroom for me too

(you do, you do).

 

Santa baby, forgot to mention

ceramic tile, a pile

To finish two rooms at once,

Santa lovie, gently lower it down the chimney tonight.

 

You see? It really is better to give than receive. Merry Christmas, Carpenter.

 

Kelly Waterhouse

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