Celebrating mothering and fathering
What do cemeteries and restaurants have in common?
It would seem odd that they would have anything in common, right? But I am writing this four days after the day cemeteries and restaurants both have their busiest day of the year: Mother’s Day.
Being a father and grandfather I don’t begrudge this at all. From the significant discomforts of pregnancy to the horrible pains of labour to the sleep-deprived nights of nursing to the lifetime of pouring out love and care upon her kids, moms contribute beyond measure to the wellbeing of their children and our society and nation.
Since creation, marriage and family have been the foundational institution of human life, and moms are the cornerstone of this most blessed edifice. There are few things in life more worthy of celebrating and giving thanks for than moms and “mothering”.
We dads are foundationally important too, and appropriately have our day coming in June, but can’t and ought not to try competing with appreciation for the front-line love and sacrifice given to children by so many moms.
Although some folks criticize Mother’s Day and Father’s Day as “Hallmark holidays” that push people towards artificial recognition and gratitude, it seems to me most of us actually benefit from the annual encouragement to bring to mind and gratitude the special ways moms and dads have loved and enriched us. By the way, many of us have been “mothered” or “fathered” not just by bio-parents but other women and men who have deeply cared for us.
As with all good things, “mothering” and “fathering” remain “good” only as long as we invest in upholding and strengthening them. It does concern me that in the past 75 years we have too often taken this precious heritage for granted and have adopted some less-than-helpful ideas and practices around mothering, fathering and being family.
Rather than pointing out what I think is askew, I would like to suggest values, beliefs and practices about marriage and family that would be helpful for us to affirm, commit to and implement.
Can we affirm that part of the privilege of a woman and man having sex, conceiving and giving birth to a baby is the responsibility to provide a stable, nurturing home for their child, preferably by making a commitment and effort to live with each other “in sickness and in health” for life?
Can we affirm a child has a natural need (and right) to know both of her/his birth parents, and therefore has the right to not be deliberately deprived of knowing and having a child-parent relationship with them?
(I recognize that sometimes dads or moms fail, and marriages fail, and extended families are dysfunctional, and sometimes community and government agencies have to intervene for the safety and wellbeing of children. This ought not prevent us from identifying values and ideals to strive for.)
Can we affirm a child is best served by (needs) the active parenting of both mother and father on a daily basis? Can we affirm that being healthy moms and dads is more important and more fulfilling than success in workplace and career?
Can we affirm a child benefits immensely from knowing and having interaction with their extended families?
Might we affirm it is expected of parents to put the interests of children before their own? Has “sacrifice for the sake of the children” unhelpfully become “children need parents who are happy and fulfilled”?
Can we affirm it is worth it for a wife and husband having a difficult time in their marriage to commit to working and making the best of it and staying together for the kids?
Can we affirm that a child is a precious gift that comes “as is”? That something sacred about our humanity is lost when pre-birth gender selection and health screening become more commonplace, when more than 90% of fetuses diagnosed with Down’s syndrome end up being aborted in Canada?
Can we affirm that a child is best served and would rather spend most of their first four years of life being cared for and nurtured by a parent than by a paid caregiver or teacher?
Can we affirm that the foundational and most important institution of our society is the family, that governments have a responsibility to nurture and uphold healthy families and to recognize that parental authority over the raising and education of children trumps governmental authority?
Can we affirm that one of the most effective ways to lessen poverty in our society is to encourage children being raised in healthy marriages and families? That because a huge proportion of the youth who end up in trouble with the law come from single parent and/or broken homes most often with the father absent from their lives, the solution must include encouraging and helping people to take seriously their responsibilities and obligations to be healthy and nurturing moms and dads to their children?
So let’s have our yearly “Hallmark” celebrations of moms and dads.
But may our gratitude for the mothering and fathering we have been blessed with inspire and motivate us to uphold and strengthen positive societal values, beliefs and practices around marriage and family.