Oh Spring, your manic mood swings are giving me migraines. Could you please settle on a happy, warm, lightly breezy mood? Not for me, you understand. I am okay with my handy bottle of liquid gel capsules and a nap. I ask for your cooperation for my beloved Carpenter. Season changes make him irritable.

You might think a man who works outside all day in all temperatures would be thrilled spring is here. He is thrilled, for the sake of his occupation. No doubt he is happy not to feel frostbite while standing 14 storeys high on a scaffold, where wind-chill is actually a four letter word. He will be tanned by the May 24 long weekend too. Even rainy days won’t bother him, because real men work in the rain (so there).

These are all good things. But when the Carpenter pulls into the driveway every night the first thing he sees is his garage. Spring means he’s going to have to open the door to the hoarding nightmare inside. It’s not pretty. It’s not the space he dreamt of, with tools organized in specific locations and winter’s necessities stacked high, out of the way. Nope. The garage has become the dumping ground. Not on purpose, you understand, but out of necessity. Like most people we have more stuff than square footage. Somehow this is my fault.

Spring, you are the season of gardens and grass. For the Carpenter, that means work. It’s the work that never ends. It’s home, sweet, project-laden home, and there is always something to do. Huff.

Always wanting to be supportive and sensitive to the Carpenter’s needs, I have devised a careful list of things not to say for the next few weeks, at least, that is, until he has rescued the lawn furniture. Perhaps they will apply to your home-life too.

Comments to avoid:

– Never walk into the garage and say something careless like, “Wow, we have a lot of crap, don’t we?”

– Can you get the bikes down? They are at the back of the garage, I think, behind the inflatable Santa and Halloween decorations, you know, and while you’re there, can you get my tires down?

– When you take the ice rink boards down, can you put up the laundry line? I have some sheets in the washer machine. They’ll be ready in ten minutes. Will you?

– So, if the paint is peeling off the house, can we just slap some on the spots?

– The rotting pumpkin from October is still on the front steps, but don’t worry, the kids just fell through the stairs, so I think we ought to just rip the deck off. It won’t take long to replace, right?

– Wow, we should probably have picked up the dog poop every week. It really adds up under that snow.

– How soon can you put up the pool?

– How soon until we can cut the grass? And by “we” I mean “you.”

– Let’s landscape the front yard.  The neighbours did.

– I told my friend she could put some furniture in the garage, until she gets settled.

Thanks, Spring. I knew you’d understand.

Kelly Waterhouse

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