Its lovely weather for a shinny game together

Father Christmas has nothing on the father of my children, the Carpenter. He is the hero of the frozen backyard, master engineer of the impressive ice rink, constructor of almighty hip-checking boards and LED lighter of the darkest nights. Santa Baby, bring your skates.

For the life of me, I cannot comprehend how someone who works outside all day long can stand outside all night holding a frozen hose, but I am starting to take it personally. The chill off the ice has followed him into our home. Any romantic notions I had for late night affection have now been replaced by my spouse’s obsessive need to water the backyard. Why, even my sexy plaid flannel jammies with the fluffy, sticky-bottom socks have lost their seductive power. I am now competing with a sheet of ice.

Don’t worry, I have great plans to heat things up. I’m going to invest in pads and gear, and learn to play hockey. If that’s what a gal has to do to get affection around here, I’m game. The Carpenter won’t know what hit him.

First, I should learn to skate.

This notion has inspired me to fulfill one of the Carpenter’s favorite Christmas traditions. Every year, he asks me to write a parody of a classic Christmas song. I love the challenge, and I love the man, so I would like to honor his request and share it will all of you. This is our family Christmas card for 2010, sung to the tune Sleigh Ride (I recommend the Diana Krall rendition for accompaniment).

Shinny Game

 Just here those blades go gliding and schloop, schloop, sliding on too,

Come on its lovely weather for a shinny game together with you.

Outside the lights are glowing, and friends are calling in too,

Come on its lovely weather to skate around together with you.

Get me up, get me up, get me up, let’s go, my butt’s in the snow,

There is nothing funny about me falling, you know,

Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up, it’s grand,

For you to just stand there before me acting all smug with glory just because I had a big crash land.

My body’s nice and cozy, so toasty that I have to pee,

But I’m bundled up together like an NHL goaltender would be,

To take my chance on the ice, ‘cause the Carpenter won’t play nice, it’s true. You know he is going take a shot, and smack me with at least a puck or two.

 “Catch me Mom, Catch me Mom, Catch me Mom, you’re slow,

Maybe you ought to go, The nights not getting any younger out here, you know.

Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up and stand, Don’t you understand?

You can’t sit at centre ice, so think twice, and crawl off on your knees and hands.

Our cheeks are raw and rosey, but comfy cozy are we, ‘Cause Mom, the whole point of skating is to stand up and get moving you see.

Let’s make Mom the Zamboni, and pull her like a pony, for fun,

We’ll clear the rink with her bottom, ‘cause it’s not like she can get up and run. Oh, come on, come on, it’s lovely weather for some family fun together with you.

On behalf of my family, the Carpenter and I wish you and yours a wonderful holiday season and peace in your homes for the coming year.

Kelly Waterhouse