Remember when children would get a bicycle for passing grade 3? Or maybe they got a long lecture about poor grades, lost television privileges, or worse. Times haven’t changed that much. Report cards still put kids into clear slots: those who pass and those who fail.
Students with good grades are labelled as smart. Those with unsatisfactory work are labelled as stupid or just not giving enough effort.
Vague anecdotal comments about “slow improvement” or “beginning to develop independent work habits” provide only a thin layer over a cake that still cuts the class into winners and losers.
Bombshells may be harder to detect in current report cards, but the land mines are embedded in there nonetheless, and panic hits for parents when they realize their kids are not achieving well. Or maybe they recognize this theme in their own past history and wonder if there is some reason other than what they were told back then.
ADHD, Asperger’s or other learning disabilities may be at the root of these problems. Family awareness is key to survival.
Reading as much as possible and attending seminars gives parents the background knowledge for acceptance of the reality of these disorders and the commitment that will be required over many years.
Clinical experience has shown that emotional maturity is often delayed by up to five years or more. For example:
– a 12-year-old with ADHD may have only 6- to 8-year-old skills in organizing and cleaning a bedroom; and
– an 18-year-old with Asperger’s or a learning disability may have only 11- to 14-year-old skills in meal planning and budgeting when she leaves for college.
Marriage and child care can be a severe challenge for affected adults. Even business executives, doctors, and other successful professionals with these special learning needs who may have found ways to compensate all through school and in their careers, often struggle terribly in the personal connections that mean the most to them.
Parental involvement to painstakingly teach these skills stretches patience and delays the child’s independence far beyond what is required in other families.
Advocacy is needed during all levels of education and often in extracurricular activities as well. It literally becomes a part-time job for parents to design a program to implement at home, and then to negotiate the specifics of a carefully-crafted individual education plan with the school. Or for spouses to engage in a treatment process with their partner.
The first step is to start developing a support system composed of family, friends and associates with the knowledge and experience to help maintain parents’ stamina and positive outlook for what lies ahead. And then to set aside a serious space for the work to make all this happen.
Carol McMullen is a specialist with a 40-year history of work in the field of learning disabilities. She has just published a new handbook: Saving your Child, Saving yourself: Navigating Roadblocks in Managing ADHD, Asperger’s and Learning Disabilities. For information visit www.carolmcmullen.ca.
