My boy toy croaked Saturday night. Flatlined. Done like dinner.

I was heartbroken and more than a little vexed that he had the nerve to crash right there in my bed. I still don’t know if it was the batteries or just some vicious bug that turned him off, but I know I panicked and didn’t have a clue who to call – because I couldn’t call anyone.

Wait. Get your mind out of the gutter, I am talking about my iPhone. Sheesh. That’s who I spend most of my Saturday nights with these days. Alone in my bedroom with a good book or a comedy movie and my iPhone, so I can have virtual conversations with my friends who lead similar lives.

Meanwhile my spouse, the Carpenter, is in another room watching the kind of dramatic shows that give me nightmares. We have agreed to disagree on our ideas of quality television programming.

Maybe you relate. If you have a mobile device or tablet, I bet you are obsessed too. I named my iPhone the “boy toy” after nicknaming the Carpenter’s iPad his mistress. It seemed only fair. If he was going to have a distraction, I wanted one too.

The difference is I need my device for work and since I work on an unpredictable schedule, I always have the phone near me. The Carpenter has no excuse really. He just likes his iPad. A lot.

When the boy toy crashed, the screen went black and that was that. It wouldn’t hold a charge or power up. I flipped out. Hysterical, I ran upstairs to the Carpenter and told him the news. He appeared empathetic but also hopeful I would calm down and go away, because violent television can only be paused for so long. In that moment, nobody wanted my iPhone to work more than he did.

Frazzled, I took to social media with the words, “iPhone down. I repeat, iPhone down,” so my friends would know I wasn’t ignoring them. Then I got on my laptop and researched iPhone issues. I have never moved faster. I wanted answers and I wanted them stat.

Fortunately, within 30 minutes I performed an internet miracle and brought the boy toy back to life. I was back, baby. But I was also unsettled by my ridiculous behavior over something as inconsequential as a mobile phone. I turned the phone off to punish us both.

Yes, I know I have a problem. The first step is admitting it. The second is turning the phone back on. What? You would too.

Technology allows me to be connected to the people that matter most to me, wherever they are in the world. And yes, I should try to spend more time with my spouse on a Saturday night, but the truth is, we like different things and I’m okay with that. Every minute doesn’t have to be together to count. And if the Carpenter asks, I will throw my boy toy into sleep mode and toss him in a drawer faster than you can say “turn off that phone.” After all, toys and devices are just that: play things.

But the Carpenter? He is my favourite distraction by far.


Kelly Waterhouse