Unless you have been living under a rock you of course know this Sunday is Mothers’ Day. All the media around us is agog with ads and talk about how to make the day special for our Mom. And in six weeks we’ll do it all over again (albeit with much less mush and more power tools) for our Dads.
Don’t get me wrong – I am not one to cynically point to the obvious Hallmark and chocolate and power tool companies commercializing these days for their profit. Nope, I AM 100% in favour of naming such special days to express love and appreciation to our Moms and Dads, and am grateful that we do so in our society.
(I think it is important when talking about Moms and Dads to recognize that, most unfortunately, for some of us our parents were not able or willing to be a healthy presence in our lives, and so these May and June holidays bring grief rather than grateful remembering. So let us be aware of and lovingly reach out to such folks especially when all the messaging around us is about happy families with loving Moms and Dads.)
If we truly value ‘Moming’ and ‘Dading’ might we do more than just celebrate for a day in May and June? Can we have an honest look at how our families, communities and society are upholding the roles and the institutions of Mothering and Fathering, and have dialogue about whether we are strengthening or weakening them.
It seems to me that we as a society largely take parenting, marriage and family for granted. We have weakened these institutions by allowing other values and priorities to lessen their centrality in our lives. There are even some who advocate for parents to not have full and final authority over the well-being and education and values of their children. Yikes!
Even before the pandemic it was very clear that there was a growing surge of mental health issues among our children and young people, and the pandemic has only exasperated this. As well, increasing cases of sexual and gender dysphoria, growing rates of crime and gun violence among some populations of urban youth, and of course manifestations of chronic generational poverty.
There is clear research evidence showing that the largest single determinant of children growing up to be healthy, productive and prosperous members of society is a healthy home environment, preferably with both parents living in a healthy marriage relationship, and if not both parents at least being actively involved in the nurture of the children. But, as some researchers in this area say, talking about this is not politically acceptable and thus strongly discouraged if not forbidden.
Not all families will be ideal, and not all Moms and Dads will be able to maintain a family/parenting relationship. However recognizing this should not keep us from working for the ideals that make for the best for our children while making the most of difficult situations that can’t embody those ideals.
During my lifetime the condition of family life in our society has changed drastically, especially the amount of time and energy Moms and Dads have to invest in them. I am not suggesting going back to Moms staying home and having babies. But what did we think would happen when parents became busier and busier and the net time spent at home with their kids waned and waned? Do we really believe most children are better off spending more and more time at institutional daycare and junior kindergarten than at home with a parent (or grandparent)? While we are grateful for long term care institutions, for obvious reasons most of us hope we never have to end up thus institutionalized. Unfortunately government policies and economic decisions have made institutional daycare and JK pretty unavoidable for most families.
We can nevertheless do much to strengthen the roles and influence of Moms and Dads for the wellbeing of our children. First, we can recommit to being a culture/society that prioritizes the love, care and wellbeing of children as of first importance, and certainly ahead of economic and career goals.
Secondly we can reclaim a recognition of the sacred importance of family, marriage and parenting, and of making and keeping public commitments to be faithful within these relationships.
Thirdly, we van rediscover the joy and fulfillment of the ancient practice of parents sacrificing their own happiness and self-fulfillment for the sake of making a better life for their children, dedicating themselves to investing time, work, energy and love in their children.
Fourthly, we can urge our governments/politicians to recognize the immense ‘social capital’ value of healthy marriages and families, and to pursue policies and funding that will help strengthen these institutions in our society, especially enabling families to be able to have at least one parent at home most of the time in their children’s early years.
Maybe the best affirmation and gift we can give our Moms and Dads is to commit ourselves to ensuring that ‘Moming’ and ‘Dading’ will be preserved and strengthened in our families and society.