We just got back last evening from an 11 day vacation at the family cottage. For three of those days there were 12 of us – our three kids, two spouses, and five grandkids (seven and under) – sharing the small five room space, and we enjoyed the presence of at least two grandkids for all 11 days including soloing with two of them for three days.
It was a wonderful “vacation” but need I elaborate that it wasn’t a very restful one. It is in fact a bit of a relief today (Friday) to be back to the pace and activity level of a normal pastoral workday.
Our family gets along very well (special thanks to the in-law spouses) and our grandkids are mostly well behaved (of course they are!), but I have to admit that it was not always easy to stay calm and relaxed. Being in very close proximity to people, even those you love dearly, and being around grandkids who clamour for attention and occasionally fight with one another (yes – even pastors’ grandkids), while very enjoyable can at the same time be emotionally, psychologically and mentally tiring.
And we all know that when we get stretched by such significant stress and tiredness we are not always our most congenial selves. It is at such times that anxiety rises to the surface within us and potentially causes us to behave in less than loving and caring ways.
One of the authors who has been most helpful for me personally and pastorally is Edwin Friedman. He was a Jewish rabbi and trained as a Family Systems counsellor and teacher. In his writings Rabbi Friedman emphasizes how prevalent and significant is the presence of anxiety in our lives as individuals, families, communities, and nations.
“Situational anxiety” – feeling appropriately “anxious” in a stressful situation such as a family of 12 sharing a five-room cottage or a pastor madly writing a newspaper column to meet the editor’s deadline – is normal and usually temporary. We may be Mr./Ms. Grumpypants for a while but usually get over it.
But “chronic anxiety” is a horse of a different colour! This is anxiety that may have begun as “situational” but overstayed its welcome and has settled within a person. You know chronic anxiety is present and powerful when there are uncomfortable levels of anger, sarcasm, belittling, silence, addictions, abuse, depression, conflict, etc. in a person, family, or group.
The most common source of chronic anxiety is a family where chronic anxiety is the norm. In such a home one grows up learning to live and do relationships anxiously. Extreme examples are homes with alcoholism or physical/sexual abuse present. But as the pop saying goes, “All families are dysfunctional” – so to a certain extent do all of us learn and embody some measure of chronic anxiety in our family or origin.
Another way the reality of chronic anxiety is recognized/named is when we speak of “living out of our gut.” Most (all?) of us know how certain people (especially siblings) are really good at ‘pushing our buttons’ or “getting our goat” – ie. get us emotionally riled up and prone to “react” in less than thoughtful/helpful ways. Such “reactive” behaviour happens when chronic anxiety causes us to respond impulsively at a gut level rather than with mindful, mature control over our behaviour.
One of the most important goals in life is to become less and less emotionally volatile, impulsive, and out of control (eg. a two-year-old’s tantrum, an adult’s drinking to self-medicate away chronic anxiety’s pain), and more and more emotionally regulated and mindfully self-aware and self-controlled.
Friedman goes to great lengths to describe how omni-present and destructive chronic anxiety is, how it gets passed down in the family from generation to generation, and how difficult it is to break this cycle.
He suggests that the best gift we can bring to any and each of our relationships is to be a “non-anxious presence”. This requires a commitment to live mindfully, ie. constantly paying attention to when we are feeling ‘our buttons’ getting pushed and we are tempted to “react” impulsively. It requires us to reflect on how we are behaving towards others out of our anxiety and to learn how to stop doing so. It requires us to exert mindful control over our reactions and behaviours.
Obviously, sometimes a person is so overwhelmed by/with chronic anxiety that outside help such as counselling, medications, and support/accountability groups is necessary. But the best and most important help comes from the people we love the most – families, friends, and church family. Battling chronic anxiety and nurturing non-anxious presence is best done with the help and support of people who share these goals.
Living as a “non-anxious presence” is particularly difficult in our time. There are massive manifestations of chronic anxiety causing all kinds of turmoil in our world, and many cultural influences that are encouraging, even commending anxious, reactive behaviour.
But be assured that the joy and fulfillment you experience in life is heightened by the extent to which you are able to do the opposite: limit your anxious, reactive behaviours and increase your ability to be a “non-anxious presence” – the best gift – to the people and world around you.