In normal years, I wouldn’t have to do this. Santa Claus, with an army of elves at this disposal, is perfectly capable of keeping up his own lists. Naughty? Nice? Meh? – Santa generally has time to categorize everyone into gift-getters or coal catchers. He’s had centuries to develop a system.
However, this year, with most of his elves in lockdown for much of last spring and a world needing the kind of cheer Santa supplies worse than ever, there’s been a lot of pressure on the big guy. So I thought the least I could do was help out with a chunk of the naughty list.
At the top of the list is U.S. President Donald Trump, a man so unrelentingly awful the word naughty just doesn’t cut it. I’m not allotted enough space to cover all the transgressions this oaf has committed throughout his four-year assault on democracy and decency. He’s even managing to spoil the satisfaction of seeing him join the dubious list of one-term presidents by sabotaging as much of his own country’s government as he can on the way out the door. He best hope Santa brings him a good lawyer (he’d be better off with Rudolph than Rudy). There’s no doubt legal vultures are circling as Trump’s days of presidential immunity wind down.
We should also put most of his supporters and enablers on the list as well. When it comes to handing out coal, Santa, any Trumper is a two-lumper.
Ontario Premier Doug Ford makes the list, despite an outward improvement in deportment since being thrust into the pandemic spotlight last spring. While he’s been standing before the cameras for carefully-choreographed virtual press conferences lambasting an assortment of “yahoos” guilty of everything from protests to partying, he’s also been busy taking the authority from conservation authorities and setting up a questionable path to university status for a college run by a crony. Ford managed to bury both moves within a purported budget bill that was filled with more Easter eggs than most Marvel movies.
You’ve got to watch this guy all the time, Santa. Can you bring the auditor general a big can of No Doz?
You could put federal Tory MP Pierre Poilievre into the coal bin for turning Question Period into The Twilight Zone with his partisan antics, while pedalling conspiracies on his website. And while you’re at, it might as well lump him in with fellow CPC MP Derek Sloan, who sponsored a parliamentary e-petition to fearmonger about the safety of a future coronovirus vaccine. Pandering to the anti-vax crowd is not what’s needed at a time when a near total popular buy-in will be required for what is the only real hope of ending this infernal pandemic.
While you’re passing out the coal to these two, maybe spare a lump for party leader Erin O’Toole for not reigning in their dangerous nonsense.
Okay, this list is getting kinda long and we don’t want to spark a resurgence in coal production just as we’re finally getting many jurisdictions to swear off the pollution-inducing power source, so we’ll cut it off here.
Sorry Santa. Hopefully your nice list makes for more cheerful reading.