Smile pile

Periodically, when I’m a little busy, when time runs out, and a deadline lurks, my thinker goes clank and clunk, and the cogitation of thought just comes up with a considerable amount of bunk.
It is at times like  this that I need to be kick-started. But as most of you know, I no longer have my Little Lady, my resident kick-starter, who would often come up with an idea which would startle my thinker into mulling a particular thought. Her absence, of course, forces me to thumb through my chuckle bucket, my smile pile, my grin bin, or my naughty pot.
As the contents of my naughty pot would pucker the brow of certain readers, and have a very poor chance of slipping by my politically correct editors, I have aborted looking there and have checked elsewhere. This, courtesy of the magic of email, and friends who keep forwarding them to me, is what I’ve been able to come up with from the towering heights of my smile pile.
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.
2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it is illegal to destroy them humanely or otherwise.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it done gone went and got broke.
5. Don’t take life too seriously; as the words of a well sung song states, “You’ll never get out of this world alive.”
6. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in ten minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people: He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it.
17. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
18. Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you?
19. I have a degree in liberal arts: Do you want fries with that?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere.
23. I think I have reached my sexpiration date.
24. He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, dead.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
28. I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on.
29. People my age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life – provided they get cable or that dish thing.
30. Procrastinate; Now!
So there you have it folks, direct from the depths of my smile pile file.
Take care, ’cause we care.

Barrie Hopkins