'It affects every aspect of your being': experts stress importance of supporting teens in tragic times

WELLINGTON COUNTY – The past few months here have been tragic for youth.

On Oct. 31, four teenagers died in a car crash in Puslinch, and two were seriously injured.

On Sept. 19, 16-year-old Puslinch resident Nash Dunlop was struck by a minivan in Centre Wellington and died.

And on June 12, Susy, Maggie, Sara, Helena and Peter Doerksen, aged four to 12, died in a crash in Mapleton. 

These incidents are stark reminders of the challenges young people face when coping with sudden and devastating loss, says clinical psychologist, speaker and educator Dr. Natasha Williams.

The impact reaches far beyond their immediate families, she told the Advertiser – “It affects classmates, friends, teammates, neighbours; the ripple effect is going to be quite profound."

She added, “Having a loss like this can really shake up [a teenager’s] world,” including their sense of security and safety, and grief can manifest in many ways, including sadness, anger and disbelief.

“It affects every aspect of your being: cognitively, physically, spiritually, emotionally,” said Jodi Pereira, executive director at Nightingale Centre for Grieving Children, Youth and Families in Guelph. 

“It’s common to experience lots of feelings of hopelessness, to feel like they might be a burden, or to start to struggle in school,” added Thomas Wright, a psychotherapist specializing in grief at Full Circle Psychotherapy in Fergus. 

Fear is also a common part of the grieving process, he said.

Supporting grieving teens 

Supporting someone through grief is not about finding the perfect words, Williams said: it’s about being “available, attentive and emotionally present,” and reminding them they are not alone. 

For parents, it’s about sitting with their teens and opening up a conversation about how they feel, added Wright.

That doesn’t mean “fixing” their grief or helping them “get over it,” said Pereira.

"It’s not something that can be fixed – it’s something you have to process [and] work through.” 

Williams said people often avoid talking about loss, but it’s valuable to give teens opportunities to ask questions and express themselves.

“One thing we know about grief and loss is that talking about it makes it better, not worse,” said Wright. “The way we can move through grief is to come together and connect … talking about our sadness and grief will help us learn how to move forward.”

Teenagers may say they don't want to talk, Williams said, and it’s important to respect that, while letting them know the door is open and reminding them they have adults in their lives who want to support them when they’re ready.  

Consistency in checking in and circling back is important too, Pereira added.

Williams suggests avoiding well-meaning statements such as “everything will be okay,” and instead acknowledging that what happened was horrible.  

It helps to recognize it’s okay to feel sad, and that everyone grieves and mourns, Wright said. He encouraged adults to talk about their own feelings and to navigate hard conversations with curiosity.  

Pereira recommends modelling by identifying and naming emotions: “‘I’m feeling angry today … I’ve been thinking about the person that died a lot, and this is what is coming up for me.’” 

She said, “Being vulnerable and acknowledging the truth … can be hard, but it’s also really important.”  

“As we grieve, we are processing our life changing … we are learning how to move through life without that,” Wright said. 

He recommends creating opportunities to mourn together, such as setting times to gather, “remember that person and be grateful for what they gave to us.” 

“It’s important to remember the death, but it’s particularly important to remember the person in their life, their impact, and to celebrate … who they were,” Pereira said.  

She suggested sharing a story, memory or photo. “It’s extremely healthy to remember – to say their name … to create rituals and traditions to remember them. Remembering is part of the process of healing.” 

“It’s not just about the death, it’s about finding ways to continue to bond with the person that died, finding ways to remember them and … bring them forward with you,” she said.  

Another important aspect of coping with grief is finding hope, Wright said. 

A tragedy is like a front page article, but inside the newspaper are many more stories highlighting positive things happening that can bring hope, Wright said.   

Peer support 

“Grief can be very lonely and isolating,” Pereira said. 

“Some teenagers may withdraw [and want] time alone. Others may want to be preoccupied with friends,” Williams said. 

Seeking support from peers can be a crucial part of teenagers navigating loss, she said, especially when friends get together to reminisce and share their feelings.

Often, grieving people feel that no one else feels the way they do, but peer support can show them they are not alone, Williams said. 

Pereira said one teenager who was initially reluctant to attend a grief group said that before joining, her grief made her feel “like an alien – ‘but coming to groups I found … people that understand me and that I feel connected to.’” 

It is also important for adults supporting teenagers through grief to have their own peer supports, Williams said, noting, “Parents, teachers, coaches and other caregivers cannot pour from an empty cup.”

“You don’t need to feel like Superman or Superwoman and have all the answers – you need support as well,” she said. 

Timeline 

The therapists all described grief as dynamic, not linear, and said everyone will have different timelines.  

“You will be forever changed by your grief and your experience with it,” Pereira said. “You may feel particularly affected one day, and then the next you are feeling okay, and three weeks later have a terrible day again."

This is particularly true for young people, she noted. For adults, grief can feel like an overwhelming, all-consuming ocean that they cannot escape, whereas for youth, grief can feel more like “puddle jumping."

Pereira said, “Kids seem to intuitively understand that they have to get out of it, so move in and out of it more freely. 

“The puddle doesn’t feel any less than it would feel like for an adult in the ocean – it feels all-consuming – and then they jump out of the puddle and experience joy or happiness. Then, they are overwhelmed by grief (and are) right back in that puddle again.” 

Grieving as a teenager can also feel different because teenagers are in the midst of developing their own sense of identity. They see themselves reflected in others, and are likely to question their own mortality after seeing another youth die, Wright said. 

“When events like this take place – so spontaneous, so unexpected – it kind of pokes a hole in the guise that we have of immortality for youth.” 

So part of the mourning process is facing the “existential grief that we all can die unexpectedly,” he said. 

Signs professional support is needed 

Grief in itself is not a mental health disorder, Williams said; it’s a normal and natural response to loss. 

But if emotional distress is persistent or intensifying, that can be a sign that professional support is needed, she said.

If a teenager is experiencing thoughts of self-harm, they should be connected with professional support immediately. 

If grief overwhelms their ability to cope, disrupts their sense of safety or leads to heightened feelings of vulnerability, professional support may be needed, Williams said. 

Grieving teens may show symptoms connected to post-traumatic stress disorder, she said, such as intrusive thoughts, nightmares, difficulty sleeping, avoidance, difficulty concentrating, anxiety, panic, social withdrawal, feeling hopeless, a decline in academic performance or reluctance to participate in extracurriculars.  

These symptoms can also manifest as headaches, stomach aches, anger, irritability, increased isolation or a feeling that they do not have a future themselves, Wright said.

Periera added the following to the list of signs that more help is needed: verbal outbursts, numbness, withdrawal, hypervigilence, self-medicating with prescriptions (including taking too much or not taking them), increased use of drugs or alcohol and unsafe or reckless behaviour.    

“If we are not functioning – not doing the things we need to do like eating, sleeping, taking care of our bodies, connecting with those we love; and it’s progressive – not starting to improve … that’s a time that we want to reach out,” Wright said. 

“As parents and educators, I think we need to pay attention to some of these things,” Williams said, and connect these teens with additional support.

Mental health services often come with long waitlists, and Williams said while waiting for support, teens should have safe adults they can turn to such as a parent, family member, coach or community member.

“If they have a certain faith, having that ability to speak to their pastor, priest, imam, or any type of clergy [can] be important when you are navigating these waitlists and trying to seek professional help,” Williams said. 

It is very important that the teenager is heard, she added.  

For immediate support, contact:

• Here 24/7 at 1-844-437-3247 or here247.ca;
• Kids Help Phone at 1-800-668-6868 or kidshelpphone.ca;
• Victim Services at vswguelph.on.ca; or
• Waterloo-Wellington Bereavement Support Services at tinyurl.com/wwbereavement.