Christmas is a time for families to gather and friends to catch up with one another, but for those who have lost a loved one, the holidays can be one of the most difficult times of the year.
Because the season is steeped in tradition and glitzy social gatherings, it can be difficult for the bereaved to acknowledge and accept their grief – and that’s okay, says Rose Greensides, executive director of Bereaved Families of Ontario (BFO) for the mid-western region.
BFO, which offers support for those who have lost a loved one, recently expanded to Wellington County, in partnership with Hospice Wellington.
Greensides explained everyone grieves in different ways and it’s important for grievers to do what’s best for them.
“The truth is the holiday season is never going to be the same because the person who made it the same is no longer here,” she said, adding it’s sometimes difficult for the bereaved to be surrounded by those who are happy throughout the season.
However, it’s often the anticipation that’s worse than the holiday itself, said Barb Contin, funeral director for Butcher Family Funeral Home Ltd. in Erin.
Contin said the bereaved need to acknowledge they may not be able to do as much as in years past – and adjust their plans so they’re comfortable.
“We need to be aware of our inability to function at our usual level,” she said. “Because grief causes fatigue and you just don’t feel like doing as much, and you have to give yourself a break and understand that you may not feel like doing all the things you usually do – and forgive yourself for that.”
This doesn’t mean things won’t get easier.
Greensides said there are different ways to cope over the holidays to make the season more manageable. First, she said it’s important to find the emotional triggers throughout the season, and learn how to manage them to get through everyday life. To do that, Greensides said compromises are necessary, both with others and individually.
“I think it’s important to respect each other’s needs by agreeing to find some type of compromise,” she explained. “Some of the questions you can ask yourself are ‘what can you compromise on,’ for instance, or ‘what things are important to you that you don’t want to compromise on.’”
Changing traditions is another option.
“You could also take on some new traditions, like changing where you have your Christmas dinner and changing the times you open the gifts, things like that, or add some brand new ones and create some new traditions,” Contin said.
Despite compromises, it’s necessary for the griever to acknowledge the loss throughout the Christmas season with items such as a memorial service, lighting a candle with a note saying it represents the loved one, a representative ornament on the Christmas tree or a place setting at Christmas dinner where the loved one always sat, explained Greensides.
“It’s an empty setting, no one will sit there, but it’s a place where you knew your loved one was,” she said.
It’s also helpful to embrace happy memories of the loved one, said Contin.
“When you have the rest of the family together, you bring out the pictures and the movies and let yourself remember the good times and make that loved one a part of the day through that,” she explained.
Ken Thompson, funeral director of the Heritage Funeral Home in Drayton, recently wrote in a column for the Community News, the Advertiser’s sister publication, stating it is important to meet as a family and share memories and stories about the loved one over the holidays.
“You may be surprised at some of the stories that you may not have known about or had forgotten,” he wrote. “There is usually some laughter and some great memories shared.”
When remembering or acknowledging the loss, family and friends should use the loved one’s name.
“I think that people want to hear their child’s name or their loved one’s name,” said Greensides. “Memorialize that person, even if they’re a quiet person, find a way that you can memorialize them that’s respectful to the griever.”
Reverend Felicia Urbanski of the Erin United Church said those experiencing grief should acknowledge the loss and avoid trying to cover it up.
“So that the person isn’t forgotten or erased from family memory, but that people freely talk about the good times and the funny times…and it’s okay to cry,” she said.
Greensides points out that grievers also need to remind themselves it’s also okay to be happy during the holidays.
“It’s not disrespectful or [making] yourself look like you stopped caring about someone if you actually start enjoying the holiday season,” she said.
However, Greensides also cautions that it’s okay to say “no”.
“You don’t need to go to all the Christmas parties because you just don’t feel like it and the people around you hopefully will respect those decisions; but if they don’t you just need to be okay with that,” she stated.
To help the bereaved get everything done throughout the season, Contin suggested they create a “to-do” list.
“If you have a list then you can go with that the day that you feel like doing it and that helps you to think more clearly and to get things done when you are able to,” she explained.
And when the griever just can’t get everything done, Greensides said they can ask for support.
“If you need things it’s okay to ask for help and those that care about you want to give back, they just don’t know how to give back,” she explained.
Though the Christmas season is very difficult for a griever, it is also challenging for family and friends who are trying to be supportive.
Thompson told the Advertiser that family and friends need to show they still want to be involved in the griever’s life, especially a couple of weeks after the funeral, when everyone is getting back into their daily routines.
“Don’t be afraid to call them up and invite them over for a cup of coffee or something like that,” he suggested. “At any time those things are helpful.”
One of the best and simplest ways family and friends can offer support, Greensides said, is by offering to listen and not showing any judgment. Another way is offering to do tangible things.
“You’re not going to make this better for them,” she said. “But if you can be a supportive person for them, they will remember that forever.”
Family and friends are important to the grieving process, but for those who don’t have that support system, Greensides suggested joining a support group, whether it be through BFO or even online. Talking to others who are going through something similar can be therapeutic.
Contin suggested the griever approach another individual who is also alone over the holidays and invite them for a meal – or volunteer at a soup kitchen on Christmas Day. Through helping others, the bereaved may also help themselves along the way.
Another suggestion is to turn to spirituality to help overcome the loss.
Urbanski said pastoral care is available at various churches.
Though the holidays may seem intimidating for those who have experienced a loss, there are ways to make it through by accepting support and understanding that limitations are accepted, and often expected, throughout the grieving process.
