Leave it
You feel it too. Change is in the air. Like it or not, the breeze has blown through and somethings won’t ever be the same again, and one of those things is you. Maybe you don’t even realize it yet, but you will soon. October does that to us all.
As I’m writing this, the leaves on the giant maple tree outside my home office are bright yellow, tinged with hues of red, as if they’ve soaked up a spill of cranberry juice and it’s slowly seeping to the centre of the leather leaves bunched together with red stems holding them to the branch. Waiting, until that next gusty wind day, when they’ll all fly off to wherever leaves go.
The sky behind them is clear cornflower blue at this hour of the morning, sun full in the sky, and the tree is so vibrant, it’s casting a light in my little sanctuary. That’s how I think of my home office; my sanctuary. I work in solitude, with Margot, my new puppy at my feet, and create, manage, organize the worlds that I can control, and dream about the possibilities of the one I cannot. This is my space and I’ve earned it.
The natural beauty of daylight and colour beyond the borders of this room makes working on a Sunday palpable. I’ve been working seven days a week lately. I’m not complaining. It’s the reality of keeping-up with all the irons in the fires that make up my work. The diversity of that work is what fulfills me. I’m fortunate to have things to keep stocking the fire. I know that. I don’t regret having a work ethic, so long as I can walk the puppy every day.
October brings with it a melancholy for me, though. It always has, even in childhood when I didn’t understand the source of emotions I felt. Big world stuff for a little soul to comprehend. Such is the reality of being a sensitive soul. It takes a lifetime to see that as a gift, not a weakness. It only happens when you stop expecting others to understand you, and when you stop explaining yourself like you’re the problem. This stage of life gives a confidence I’ve waited a long time for.
Nature has always helped to move me through the emotions. That’s how I process the things I cannot control. I look for the rhythm in everything around me. A balance in the imbalance. A swiftness to the autumn season that will blow out the things that I need to shed, then usher in the changes that follow. Embrace the possibilities. Accept the challenge. Remind myself I’ll handle it either way.
I’ve been going full steam lately, hence the weight of my words, but every time one of those leaves let’s go of the stem and drops like an acrobat to the earth below, I remind myself to let go of a worry, a negative thought, an irrational fear. Heck, I’ll even toss in a rational one. Drop the things I’m carrying, some of which aren’t even mine to lug about. Some which don’t serve me anymore. Situations beyond my contol. Let it go. Leave me, I whisper as the leaves fall. Fly off to wherever the worries go.
Soon, those leaves will be gone and we’ll see the sturdy limbs of the trees that held them from spring to autumn. It’s one of my favourite natural metaphors for life and how strong we are, no matter the changes that October brings.