It’s official: I’ve exhausted myself from entirely too much local festival and event fun these past few months.
Therefore, I feel it’s only fair that I take the remainder of the month off to recover. Nod if you agree.
I think there should be a medical leave allowance for this unique situation. I know my doctor is too busy to handle such requests, and so, out of respect for my own needs, I’ve written a note for him. All he has to do is sign. The note would read as follows …
Dear Kelly’s employers and editors (I have three jobs),
Please accept this note as a formal request to excuse Kelly from all work for the remainder of August, possibly into early September (but most likely she’ll be fine by October), because she has a medical condition known as ‘festivalitis.’
Don’t be alarmed. Festivalitis is not contagious. It stems from my patient’s hyper-active need to be a part of everything (medically known as FOMO – fear of missing out). Living in a region packed with festivals and events is a geographical hazard.
This summer, Kelly has hyper-achieved by attending a significant amount of social gatherings, including but not limited to: rock, country and folk concerts; barbecues; car shows; horse races; parades; street fairs; farmers’ markets and multicultural gatherings; medieval fairs and Scottish festivals.
She has developed a severe form of bagpipe tinnitus from the Fergus Scottish Festival and since Riverfest Elora, her hearing has been reduced so significantly that she responds to every question or greeting with, “what?” It’s going to be weeks before she stops hearing the bleating of bagpipes or the amplified melodies of bands she didn’t even know she liked before she saw them at Bissell Park. Her vocal chords are swollen from whooping and hollering.
I believe she has ear worms that, while not physically harmful, will distract her ability to focus. You can blame Fitz and the Tantrums for that. Say that band’s name and she will begin clapping on beat, as if hypnotized. It’s the strangest thing. Fortunately, music is therapeutic. In fact, part of her healing process is to stay home and quietly enjoy some of her new band discoveries.
Festivalitis is known to create numerous ailments in the physical body, and Kelly has most of them. She is currently experiencing limited motion in basically every extremity due to delusions of grandeur (her body is not as young as her mind is and she is not as invincible as she was in her 20s).
Her insistence on dancing, jumping, bouncing and thrashing about to live music performances has resulted in permanent damage. As a result, her knees, calves, back, neck, feet and left arm (best not to ask) need at least two weeks of recovery protocol (ice and heat packs, Tylenol Muscle and Body, rest in a hammock).
Thank you for your understanding. Also, please continue to pay her during her respite. She spent entirely too much money on merch at these festivals.
Signed, Kelly’s doctor.”
Fine. I’ll go to work. But I’m too weak to be productive, overtly cheerful or capable of functioning beyond the basic requirements of my job. Also, I may need frequent naps.
Festivalitis is worth it.
Totally worth it.
