American troops

Dear Editor:

Amid all the concerns worldwide about COVID-19, American President Donald Trump has contemplated moving troops to the Canadian border.  In many parts of the world, this threat could only be considered an act of military aggression, having absolutely nothing to do with the world’s current medical emergency.  So, in Canada’s own polite way, we must respond; so how’s this sound as a letter from our own Prime Minister?

Dear Don,

Let me first congratulate you on your wisdom of sending American troops to defend our previously unprotected border.  Many of your previous decisions have been misunderstood by your own American public, but this is one that we, north of the border, do understand and appreciate.

I see no reason why any Canadian in their right mind would want to sneak into let’s say, New York state, the current epicentre of the worldwide coronavirus epidemic.  Of course  you, in your wisdom and monosyllabic rhetoric, realize this and see things a little differently.  Perhaps you see this has nothing to do with Canadians trying to flee into America, but rather Americans trying to escape into Canada! In an election year, it’s probably much better for the American public not to see a much better health care system so close to their homeland.

Regardless, your action will allow us to redeploy thousands of our Canada Border Services Agency forces to assist in fighting the real threat: COVID-19. It will be your turn to defend against false refugee claimants and illegal immigration from your own country trying to slip into Canada. Thanks for your part in “making Canada safe again”!

If, however, you have more sinister thoughts involving a military invasion of Canada, may I remind you to check your history books and see what happened the last time Americans attempted this in 1812-14. Not only did we boot you out, but burned the oval office and White House to the ground!  It’s also fair to warn you that deep in the aviation archives at the National War Museum in Ottawa, we have the original plans for the greatest fighter jet of its day… the Avro Arrow!

So, should this deployment become anything more militaristic, we will have no other choice than to demand your immediate surrender at the hands of Chrystia Freeland, the ferocious Seamus O’Regan and the humbly patriotic Donald S. Cherry, with the ghostly spectre of Sir Isaac Brock at the committee’s head.

Ron Johnson,
Mount Forest