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WriteOut of Her Mind

by Kelly Waterhouse




Snow

I am surely not the only person excited to hear that this winter is expected to include a healthy heaping of snow. Skiers, snowboarders, snowmobilers, snowshoe enthusiasts and really kind people who make outdoor rinks are all happy at the promise of deep, white snow.

The only difference between me and them is, well, everything. I don’t have fun snow toys. But you know, this could be the winter all that changes. I will learn to love snow with the right equipment.

Those of you who do not share my enthusiasm for snowfall, please direct your anger at the weather specialists and La Nina, because they are to blame. Also point the finger at global warming.

That’s right, go ahead and let your car run idle and let those fumes hit the atmosphere. (No seriously, let your car warm up or else the Carpenter will scold you too. Also, make sure your gas tank has more than a quarter tank of fuel before you do it, because again, he can be very cranky when he lectures you on car issues related to global warming. Eye roll.).

While we’re talking cars, there is only one thing I don’t like about snow: winter driving. I dislike all winter driving, especially at night. I do not now, nor have I ever, enjoyed this activity because all the expensive snow tires, windshield washer fluid and bags of kitty litter in the trunk won’t help you when the idiots around you forget how to drive. People lose all composure when the roads get snow-covered and icy. Dangerous road conditions are not a dare, people. Mother Nature is not testing you,  encouraging bravery. Slow down. Let’s just all stay home. Think of the snow forts we could build if we didn’t venture out.

Oh right, bills. Okay, fine. Here’s where my snow excitement comes in. This year I am thinking of investing in cross country skis and snow shoes. Here’s my theory: I can take the Elora Cataract trail from my home right to my office, give or take a few kilometres of neighbourhoods. I’m thinking of bundling up and hiking or sliding all the way to the office.  Just think of the fresh air, the exercise, the workout sweat. I would lose pounds of sweat every day. Wait, that’s gross. Never mind. Sorry, colleagues.

Solution: I need a snowmobile. I have always wanted one of those. Badly. I’m not sure I should drive it (see winter driving paranoia above), but I suppose I could learn. I love the smell of the fumes (global warming aside) and I love the noise those sleds make. And I would get a whole new outfit with a super cool helmet. I would look dangerous and ultra-fast as I rip into the parking lot at work, fishtailing on purpose because I’d be cool like that. And I’d slide in between the cars that park too far apart because they can’t see the parking lines and don’t leave enough room for my Toyota to squeeze in. Now we’re talking.

The Carpenter just told me that was a ridiculous idea (not exactly the words he used) because snowmobiles cannot take the roads or trails I would need to get to work. And we can’t afford one. And who would insure me anyway? And global warming. And blah, blah, blah. Before I could even ask, he shot down the idea of a dogsled.

The man needs to lighten up.

Fine, winter tires it is.

 

Vol 50 Issue 47

 
 

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