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WriteOut of Her Mind

by Kelly Waterhouse




Dear Editor:

People often ask me where I get the inspiration for this column and I have one simple answer: I live it every day.

This is the truest recording of my life as it happens. Do I make any of it up? No, I do not. Do I exaggerate? I don’t need to.

Seriously. My life is a comedy routine every day, (even when I fail to see the humour in it). Twenty-five years with the Carpenter and two kids later, I assure you, this column is as real as my life gets.

I think the only difference between me and most folks is I record the daily insanity and then share it with all of you. Think of it as group therapy. Safety in numbers? Welcome to the family? Whatever.

Suffice it to say the Carpenter is a very accommodating spouse who begrudgingly accepts the public displays of affection and, some would say, targeted jabs of domestic frustration, with the upmost humility.

Don’t feel sorry for him. He loves it.

But last week’s column Score, which detailed his failure to prioritize the celebration of my birthday (as he would the milestones of his sports heroes) and my desire to make him the goalie (read: target) of my lacrosse net, has prompted a response from the Carpenter in the form of a Letter to the Editor (if you’ve not read last week’s column you’ll find it at wellingtonadvertiser.com.).

For your amusement, I share a slice of my reality, from the Carpenter himself ...

Dear Editor:

After reading Kelly’s column last week, I feel it is time to address some of the important issues that she has mentioned. First off, I have been a Seattle Seahawks fan since 1982 (since the ‘80s, people). I have witnessed some of the ugliest football games in their history. To watch them win the Super Bowl in the dominating fashion that they did - yes, that makes them #1 on my list.

Second: Mike Weir’s Masters champion jacket is NOT ugly (I would like to apologize to Mr. Weir for the insensitive remarks). The Masters will always be my favourite golf event to watch.

Third: Joe Sakic (Super Joe) is a Canadian hockey god. Two Stanley Cups! The only thing that could make this better is if he won the Cup while the team was still in Quebec. The Nordiques WILL return one day. Seriously, Bettman? Las Vegas?

Fourth: It’s The Walking Dead. Enough said (insert zombie sounds here).

Finally, no goalie pads will be needed to play lacrosse. I have watched Kelly practice taking shots on net and I can safely say that the only pads I will need are two Popsicle sticks (one taped on each knee) and a fly swatter in my hand. As the celebration of another birthday comes with an appointment to the eye doctor, I’m positive Kelly can’t actually see the net, so I’m not really worried about padding.

Yes, birthdays are important. And whose birthday is next? Hmm? That’s right, mine. Aug. 5. Don’t forget.

Signed, The Carpenter.

And there you have it. My life in real time. I couldn’t make this stuff up.

And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Let the birthday planning begin.

 

Vol 50 Issue 29

 
 

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